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“Dear husband, this is why I am cheating”

By Fridah Mlemwa

Unfaithfulness is a common problem, but people like to think of it as something that men do and women endure. What happens when the tables are turned and it is the women who are cheating? And if they had a chance to explain their motivations to their husbands, what would they say?

Five real Kenyan women, whose names have been changed for the purposes of this story, open up to their husbands and, by extension, to us, in a bid to make us understand why they have done what they did.

Dear Husband,

Hope this finds you well. These past three months I have taken time to ponder our situation and I figured that I owe you an explanation. 
In the five years we have been married, I have not lacked, so I wouldn’t blame you (for my cheating). It is solely based on our lack of emotional connection which made me feel neglected and unwanted. Dave and I started seeing each other in the third year of our marriage, after we met at the home expo where I had an exhibition stand. It started very innocently, with him wanting to get more information about our company, which led to him getting my cell number. Before long our professional calls and texts turned into lunches and coffee dates.

Dave was emotionally available and fun to be with, which made it easy for me to fall for him. You see, my dear husband, by then I could not remember the last time I had had a good laugh with you or even a deep conversation.
I think our rift started when we started trying for a baby and it was not happening. Our love making turned into a chore and eventually faded away. This made me feel ugly and undesired. Please don’t get me wrong: I’m not justifying my infidelity, I’m merely explaining the frame of mind I was in.

My affair with Dave escalated from a good time fling to a full-fledged relationship; we became friends and shared almost everything. The weekend rendezvous were no longer enough; I started inviting him as I travelled upcountry for work-related market visits. It was easy for

Dave because he is romantically unattached. He really welcomed me into his life. I have met his close friends and even have wardrobe space in his house. I’m sorry that you had to find out about my love affair because of the pregnancy; I was not trying to be malicious by telling you that I’m expectant yet we both know we have not had sexual relations in a long while. That’s when I realised how much I had been craving for that baby; I let my excitement take me. It’s too bad that our marriage was put to the test by our childlessness. I know I have caused you much pain but I pray that you forgive me and start working at moving on with your life.

I hope when I see you next month at the attorney’s office you will have had enough time to digest all this and that we will start the divorce process as friends.

Love, Mary.

*********

Dear Husband,

I could have sworn on my parents’ lives my love for you on our wedding day. I desperately wanted to prove all the wagging tongues wrong for doubting my love for you. It is true that age is just a number, so the 16-year difference between us meant nothing to me. I was happy to be yours for life.
Our honeymoon was magical. Our spacious, tastefully furnished apartment in the leafy suburbs of Nairobi has the best view in the city. We never had a dull moment; if we were not having dinner in the newest posh restaurant in the city, we were partying in a high-end bar. I loved the spa days, weekend getaways and holiday trips. The best you ever did, was when you bought me a Prado for our one-year wedding anniversary.

You treated me like a queen. And I loved every minute of it.

When the authorities seized your assets and froze your accounts for tax evasion, my life was shattered. I had to dig into my savings to make ends meet. Your sulking and anger out bursts did very little to help. For months I waited for your troubles to end. The court case dragged on.

The lawyer had to be paid. You turned to drinking.

I am a beautiful woman, and you have always been wary of the attention that I get. However your increased insecurity and possessiveness stifled me. I couldn’t meet my friends in peace and my every movement was monitored.

The whole situation made it easier for me to draw further away from you, since I was already falling out of love. I couldn’t stand the poverty anymore. I wanted to drive my Prado without worrying about fuel, enjoy fancy restaurant, splurge on shopping.

When I was offered a much-needed vacation by Jim, whom we met through friends, I couldn’t turn it down. That’s when I lied to you that I joined a women’s business association which was taking us to various countries for benchmarking.

It is unfortunate that you have lost all your money. But when you lost your wealth, your appeal went along with it. Please stop trying to win me back. I don’t love you anymore.

Fay.

*********

Dear Husband,

You cheated on me so many times. Now you know how it feels. I bet you thought that when I aired my concerns and you gave me one of your many sweet talks, I got over it. I was happy to remain ignorant and accept your presents as you tried to hide your guilt, but when you started sneaking into the neighbour’s house, I knew I wasn’t going to remain your doormat anymore. I started plotting my revenge.
I am grateful for social media. I started responding to all the guys who inboxed me, both strangers and familiar faces. At first I did it to appease myself. After a while I got bored and downloaded a free dating application to increase my possibility of meeting the perfect candidate to use in my ploy to hurt you.

What happens when the tables are turned and it

What happens when the tables are turned and it is the women who are cheating? PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

That is how I met Michael, a sweet Danish man who soothed my anguish and bitterness. It turned into a love affair.

It all come full circle when I told you that I am leaving you for another man. I can still see the look on your face in my head. I know how your thick eyebrows twitch when you are angry and I could see you struggling to contain your emotions. But your anger broke loose; profanities poured out of your mouth.

When I held my ground, your anger turned into pleas. You begged me not to leave you. I wrestled with my decision, because I did not want to sell my love story with Michael short. I don’t want my story to be about stooping to your level. As I write this letter, two things are clear; I have had my closure and my heart is in better hands.

Rose.

*********

Dear Husband,

You cheated on me so many times. Now you know how it feels. I bet you thought that when I aired my concerns and you gave me one of your many sweet talks, I got over it. I was happy to remain ignorant and accept your presents as you tried to hide your guilt, but when you started sneaking into the neighbour’s house, I knew I wasn’t going to remain your doormat anymore. I started plotting my revenge.

I am grateful for social media. I started responding to all the guys who inboxed me, both strangers and familiar faces. At first I did it to appease myself. After a while I got bored and downloaded a free dating application to increase my possibility of meeting the perfect candidate to use in my ploy to hurt you. That is how I met Michael, a sweet Danish man who soothed my anguish and bitterness. It turned into a love affair.

It all come full circle when I told you that I am leaving you for another man. I can still see the look on your face in my head. I know how your thick eyebrows twitch when you are angry and I could see you struggling to contain your emotions. But your anger broke loose; profanities poured out of your mouth. When I held my ground, your anger turned into pleas. You begged me not to leave you. I wrestled with my decision, because I did not want to sell my love story with Michael short. I don’t want my story to be about stooping to your level. As I write this letter, two things are clear; I have had my closure and my heart is in better hands.

Rose.

*********
Dear Husband,

Most people say if you want to express yourself clearly, you need to write it down. My sugar pie – I hope I can still call you that despite the pain I caused – I now realise how much I still love you.

I want to take this chance to explain everything to you and I can only hope that you will forgive me and allow me to earn your trust. I understand you feel that I embarrassed you to the neighbours with my wailing the other day when you were throwing me out of our house. I should not have hurled all those insults at you; it was all in the heat of the moment. I know I said that I cheated with Vinny because you were not good in bed; the truth is, I said that to hurt your feelings and get back to you for treating me like I didn’t matter to you. Anyway this letter is not about that dramatic day. I wanted to come out clean about my affair with Vinny.

It all started at Maria’s sports day at school. Vinny has a girl at the school. On that fateful day Vinny’s wife couldn’t attend so he came in her stead. We started off talking as parents and much to our surprise, we had so many things in common. Can you imagine my excitement when

Vinny said he liked spoken word and plays – the things you find very boring? We would meet almost every day as we picked our children up from school. Our hellos turned to chats and eventually, we decided to meet outside school to watch a play. The physical attraction was evident and the fact that we were both married made it safe because we each had our families to lose.

Vinny and I realised it would be easier for our affair to flourish if our spouses met as well, so that we could camouflage the affair. I wish I could ask for Jackie’s forgiveness as well for pretending to be her friend yet I was sleeping with her husband.



PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

I have a couple of reasons why I cheated, like the way you hang out with your boys the whole weekend or the way you are always on the Playstation when you come home but I won’t, because it’s not. The truth is, I let myself be carried away by temptation. I want everyone who reads this to help me ask for your forgiveness.

Love, Sue.

*********

Dear Husband,

I wish I could tell you this to your face, but I refuse to carry the shame of a broken marriage. I will not give my sneering aunties a reason to delight at my failure as a wife nor will I bring grief to my parents. So instead, to ease my burden of guilt and need to vent, I will write this letter hoping that you will come across it in the national newspaper and something will seem familiar.

The news of your new job abroad brought so much happiness to our home. It was an opportunity for you to earn more money and further your career ambitions. As you moved into your managerial position in South Sudan, little did I know that my life as a modern housewife was about to be put to test. 
I remember struggling with your absence through the first few months. It was the little things that set me off, like not having you home at the end of the day, not being able to prepare your favourite meals just to make you happy, or sleeping in on Sunday mornings. Since the kids are in high school and the other one at the university, no one bothers to spend quality time with me; they prefer their friends.

The first year passed really slow; you only came home three times that year. Twice for a week and the third time for two weeks over Christmas. I have been complaining about the distance but it doesn’t seem to bother you. You think the long phone conversations and the expensive presents are enough. But loneliness bites, my husband.

It is true that life begins at 40. I started going out for lunch, brunch and shopping after reconnecting with my friends. It is during these outings that I met the first guy, Alex. He was forced to share a table with us since the restaurant got full. He kept glancing my way until my friends invited him to talk to me. We talked long after my friends left. The next day, I invited him over for lunch at the house, and we had sex in the living room. It was spontaneous and exciting.

That was how it began.

I got bored with Alex after meeting Matt in the supermarket then next it was Simon and now it is Sam. I have realised my problem isn’t love –

I get that from you – my problem is lust. I am no longer starved of physical satisfaction. Now my biggest fear is, after three years away, you might consider moving back home and I am not ready to stop yet.

Your wife, Jane.

Source :

nation

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