Exclusive: Morgan Tsvangirai’s lover Elizabeth letter to Auntie Rhoda

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Dear Aunt Rhoda,

I have a problem which worries me day and night, like all the problems that people who write to you have.

I am a newly married woman of 35.

I am married to a very powerful man and we recently moved into our new mansion in Highlands, Harare. The house is so big that sometimes we lose each other for hours when we are playing our naughty games of naked hide-and-seek. He calls it a treasure-hunt.

I just cannot trust him. He cheats so much I don’t even know if this baby I’m carrying is his.

There’s a girl in Bulawayo, a woman in Norton, and this mad woman in the paper. Even the Australian Prime Minister and Helen Zille giggle like little girls when they see my man.

He is a man of the people, mostly women.

Given the above, Aunty Rhoda, the question keeping me awake at night is this: What skin lightening cream should I use?

Orange and desperate,

Lizzy.

Dear Lizzy.

Use Deprozona and take Appetito. You’ll soon look as as light skinned as a fake prophet’s wife, and your ass will be so fat people will see it from the front. Remember, if your husband is who I think he is (wink wink) you need to mind your complexion. He likes them light skinned.

You have serious competition, my dear. The other woman uses $1700 worth of beauty treatment each month. Go a shade darker than her and she’ll be sliding in through those mansion doors faster than a bottle at a Bev strip show.
Good luck.
Your loving Aunt Rhoda

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