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Joice: We hope this is a case of ignorance

THANKS to Joice Mujuru, I now know that the Holy Book actually refers to women as the “weaker vessel” or “weaker partner.” To be honest, all the years ndichishumira I didn’t know. It took Joice for me to know and I am very grateful to her.

Hold on, hold on dear congregants. I know some of you are already whispering “this male chauvinist” while others are saying “told you this Bishop has been dishing patriarchal gospel since time in memorial.” I am not all that. Simba kuvanhukadzi!

This week’s sermon comes from 1 Peter 3 vs 7 which says:  “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”

I know this version may confuse some of you dear congregants. I will give you a simplified version a bit later and explain to you kuti mharidzo irikubvepi ichiyendepi.

Allow me to take a detour.

The jokes have started way too soon. Maybe Tsvangirai was actually not joking last week when he said “We won’t agree on an outcome that is not my victory. Like Trump, if I don’t win I will not concede.”

Tsvangirai can give comics like Carl Joshua Ncube and Trevor Noah a good run for their money. Chine mafunnies wena Morgan! Kikikikiki!

Well, 2018 is fast approaching.

Let’s wait and see how Tsvangirai will refuse to concede.

This is the language of a politician getting ready for defeat.

Tsvangirai actually sees himself as some Donald Trump. Kikikikiki pfungwa dzacho.

Let’s leave Tsvangarai planning how to refuse to concede.

It’s his democratic right to refuse to concede. Let me preach a little about three not-so-wise men — Christopher Mutsvangwa, Victor Matemadanda and Douglas Mahiya.

A few weeks ago, I warned these three that they should not think they can hold the whole country to ransom.

I told them that there are many commanders who were way senior than them during the liberation struggle who can run the war veterans association much better than them. I even gave a few names.

Mutsvangwa thought of hitting back at Bishop Lazarus saying all manner of cheap stuff that left many wondering what kind of a war veteran he is.

Bishop Lazarus laughed his lungs out.

Now, that little advice from Bishop Lazarus is coming from maoffice anotyisa.

“Apa ndipo patinoti ava vana ava vagara pfumo vachida kuridza ngoma nedemo — hapana chinofamba. Pfumo harigarike, ngoma hairidzwe nedemo. Vazvizive kubva nhasi izvozvo, kuti hazviitwi,” said Zimbabwe Defence Forces Commander General Constantino Chiwenga without mincing his words.

He even repeated the same statement saying: “Ndino dzokorora zvakare, ukadaro uri kugarira pfumo uchida kuridza ngoma. Handizvo.”

A chilling warning if you ask me. French Marxist philosopher, Louis Althusser in contemporary political discourse calls it “hard power” but its proper name is Repressive State Apparatus. Whether we like it or not, hard power is here to stay and ngatijairei kugara nethis hard power zvakanaka otherwise tinokuyiwa sedovi.

Mutsvangwa and Mahiya instantly got the message.

Matemadanda thought zvichiri zvemajokes and waffled some nonsense trying to respond to the General. Just a call from Mutsvangwa saw Matemadanda putting his long tail between the legs

But Bishop Lazarus was not impressed and convinced by Mutsvangwa, Mahiya and Matemadanda’s reactions.

Mutsvangwa said: “The chair has spoken. I am the final word and that is the position of the association.”

We didn’t want the chairman’s position. We wanted to hear Matemadanda’s position. Why didn’t Mutsvangwa let Matemadanda speak on his own?

Gagging Mahiya and Matemadanda is not the solution.

We have just postponed the nonsense to another day.

Then Mahiya, oohh, Mahiya! He thought he could play us a fast one. “If the commander has spoken, we have to listen to him because tiri vana vadiki, tinovatya.”

Let’s pause here for a while. So Mahiya is only listening to the commander just because “tiri vana vadiki” and “tinovatya?”

I thought he was supposed to listen to the General because what they had said was wrong? Hazvitombodi hudiki kana hukuru.

But then Mahiya continued with his mischief.

“What he says we will do. I am sorry that I said too much.”

This Mahiya clown is not serious and sincere at all. He is sorry only because “I said too much?”

To him the only problem is that he spoke too much?

This clown cannot take us for granted like this. He didn’t say too much. He said rubbish which is wrong. Full stop!

Just a question: Can someone tell me, chanyanyokosha kana kutyisa pavatatu ava chii that’s stopping war veterans from kicking them out of office? Who is protecting them and for what reason?

Enough about these three not-so-wise men. Let’s go back to the righteous Joice. The clean Joice. Joice of the high moral ground.

After the First Lady Amai Grace Mugabe told Cde Chinx’s second wife that the house that “Roger Confirm” had been given by ZIMA through its hard working chairman Joseph Nyadzayo belonged to the first wife, Joice later tried to gain some political mileage from the event.

Before recapping what Joice said, let me take a moment to give the devil his due.

We want to thank Joice for assisting Nyadzayo to realise his dream of building a house for Cde Chinx. Get well soon Roger Confirm! Bishop Lazarus is a big fan of your music.

Then to the attempt at gaining political mileage.

Said Joice: “Any unfortunate remark that seeks to destroy the purpose and meaning of the family unit should be treated as bad leadership not befitting an inch of nearness to the seat of national leadership. To that end, we urge the family not to entertain divisive comments on the oneness of their familyhood …

“It is our considered view as the National People’s Party that any remark, which seeks to divide the fabric and oneness of a family must be dismissed with the contempt it deserves. It is in that context that we urge Cde Chinx’s family to remain united, as it goes through a difficult period and we heartily pray with them for quicker recovery.”

When I heard that that is what Joice had said, I said what?

Joice trying to lecture us about “destroying the purpose and meaning of the family?

Joice trying to lecture us about familyhood? Joice trying to lecture us about dividing the fabric and oneness of a family?

No, Joice mustn’t think we have a short memory.

So while trying to understand Joice, that’s when I came across 1 Peter 3 vs 7. The simplified New International Version says: “ Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

As I tried to unpack this verse, I came across one writer who said: “What God is saying is this — Men I want you to recognise that your wife is not as strong as you, both emotionally and physically. You need to be considerate of those qualities, and appreciate those qualities for the many ways they help her to be a good wife and mother. Don’t belittle her for being weaker or more fragile than you, but instead honour her position as your wife and the mother of your children.”

So you see dear congregants, this verse has nothing to do with belittling women.

But it made me understand Joice. You see, Joice is not qualified to lecture us about morality and familyhood.

We know she snatched her husband, the late General Mujuru from other women during the liberation struggle.

We also know that Joice has been giving some of the late General’s children like Tendai a torrid time since the death of their father.

Joice has even gone to the extent of asking Tendai to go for DNA tests to prove that he is the late General’s son.

We also know that the Master of the High Court Mr Eldard Mutasa had to give Joice five days to submit the late national hero’s file after months of playing hide and seek with the law.

We also know that the General’s will vanished into thin air forcing Tendai Mujuru to seek legal action after Joice failed to register her husband’s estate as required by law.

We know quite a lot and so Joice should not try to present herself as a saint.

She has caused untold suffering to some of the late General’s children such that she can’t lecture to anyone about family hood.

Joice asingagoni kumbwandira as Nathaniel Manheru would put it. Niccolo Machiavelli put it aptly when he said: “politics have no relation to morals.”

“We know ignorance can be treated but stupidity is forever. Let’s hope this is a case of ignorance.”

Bishop is out!

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