Robert Mugabe’s Letter to Zimbabwe Citizens

Dear Citizens.

First and foremost, I would want to start by congratulating everyone for entering 2015 and tell you that as for me and my family and their families and my aids and my security, we are enjoying our holiday in this part of the world they call Far East. I have also entered 2015 and all those wishing me to die will never attend my funeral themselves. I am as fit as a nine year old. It has been a long time since you last heard from me and that was sometime time in early December when I sent that letter to announce that I have fired those useless seven members of my cabinet in addition to another lot of dead wood that I disposed off before. Well, as a concerned leader although some mischievous citizens prefer to call me a king, I don’t like to keep my people not updated and I don’t like not to check what’s going in my kingdom, oh sorry in my country for long.

I hear that some misguided and unruly citizens have been calling on me and my entourage to cut short our holiday because a few individuals and homes have been swept away by the recent floods, well let me put this clear. As you all know that our holiday has been fully funded by you through taxes for everyone here with me and you all know how big that entourage is. For us to enjoy our holiday freely without worrying about any logistical issues, all our bills and the required expenses have been fully paid in advance for the entire period of our holiday. You all know that we are not even in the middle of our holiday so there are still plenty of holidaying days to go. Hotels in this part of the world know their business so if we decide to cut short the holiday, we will not get any refund for the bills paid in advance. So there you are my people, would you want all those millions of US Dollars that you paid for us to go to waste just because of a few uncouth individuals who want me home. Obviously no, so we will continue with our holiday until we exhaust every cent that you paid for us after tirelessly working for you and the country throughout 2014.

I continue to monitor the performance of my members of the cabinet while I am here. Any none performance and corruption is not tolerated as you all have seen during the past few months how I deal with sub-standard performers. I have shown the exit door to a big number of them sub-standard performers, corrupt and traitors who showed lack of appreciation of their duties. I hear some of them have already turned to destitute and they can’t even afford to send back their kids to the affluent private schools they were attending. I feel sorry for them but I had no option as we have no room for sub standard performers, corrupt and traitors who wanted to sell back our country to our former colonizers in cahoots with the puppet opposition parties. So don’t be surprised if you hear more of these traitors kissing goodbye to the privileges associated with being a cabinet member. I said I don’t condone corruption so don’t misquote me that I said massive looting is one privilege associated with being a cabinet member hahahaha.

I am disturbed to hear that you have rejected out rightly the recently introduced bond coins at the behest of our foreign detractors. I warn all those that are not accepting the coins that it is against our laws not to accept our legal tender. Why Zimbabweans do you want us to continue using this capitalist currency when you all know that the owners of the currency don’t like us and have imposed sanctions on us. I also hear that those accepting the bond coins have already started devaluing the coins and giving them their own value. We paid more US Dollars to manufacture those coins yet some disorderly people want to undermine our currency. Zimbabwe is a sovereign nation so we will not allow the imposition of some foreign currency by some rogue foreigners.

I have to rush for my dinner as everyone is now waiting for me, so I will write to you later for further updates.

Yours forever in power.

R.G. Mugabe

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