Zimbabwe: The Nation Is Mourning Former Agric Minister Perrance Shiri

This week, the nation was in mourning after the sudden death of Lands minister Perrance Shiri early on Wednesday morning. Of course, a few detractors were quick out of the woods, showing their lack of patriotism by reminding others of Shiri’s enthusiastic role in Gukurahundi back in the early 1980s. He was the first commander of 5 Brigade, a special army unit set up by Robert Mugabe to help him in his hobby of killing innocent people.

Other unpatriotic usurpers were also quick to remind us of how, in the early days of the coronavirus pandemic, we were told by Defence minister Oppah Muchinguri-Kashiri that the virus would not touch any of us. It was just God’s punishment for the evil whites in the West. Here we are, months later, scurrying for cover in our big cars and ill-equipped hospitals.

Muckraker is not much into religion. The last time he was seen in church was years ago when, in the company of a fine group of inebriated patriots, he took cover in a cathedral after a police raid on innocent public drinkers. However, seeing all that has happened this week, it is clear that there is God somewhere who has a rather odd sense of humour. We wait for more such jokes.

Jokes

Speaking of jokes, one can always trust Zanu PF to deliver good humour in these dark times. The organisation is a circus, with evidently surplus staff in the clown department.

These days, it is Patrick Chinamasa doing all the hard work. Remember, the man is on a break from his actual day job – officially opening rubbish bins.

Zanu PF is trying hard to convince the world that it does not care about protests planned for today. We now know that each time Zanu PF says it is not bothered by something, they talk about it endlessly. This has been the case with the protests.

So they wheeled out Chinamasa to do his latest circus act.

Brian Nichols, the US ambassador, we were told, was up to no good. “If he continues to engage in acts of undermining this republic and if he does so, if he continues engaging in acts of mobilising and funding disturbances, coordinating violence and training insurgents, our leadership will not hesitate to give him marching orders,” Chinamasa roared.

He then said: “Brian Nichols is a thug.”

Yes, Nichols must be given his marching orders. While we are at it, the nation awaits an announcement that the Zimbabwean government will also give marching orders to American aid. We are independent people. We cannot be seen taking medicines and food aid from foreign thugs.

America

Of course, America was never going to take Chinamasa’s insults lying down.

The whole world knows that America is the global icon of democracy and freedom of expression. They cannot be challenged by the likes of Zimbabwe.

They sent out Tibor Nagy, their top African diplomat, who described Chinamasa’s comments as “highly offensive”. They even summoned Zimbabwe’s ambassador in Washington DC to have a word. The poor man!

Jim Risch of the US Senate Foreign Relations had time to tweet: “The US continues to be the strongest international partner of the Zimbabwean people, despite Zimbabwe’s governing party pursuing a policy of name-calling, deflection, and misinformation to justify their current economic and political crisis. Keep up the good work, Amb Nichols.”

A fight between Zanu PF and the Trump administration! Two sides of the same coin. That reminded one of the drunken bar fights at the Chigarapasi beerhall in Chiredzi. Fights there go on for so long that onlookers end up forgetting which drunkard started the whole fracas in the first place.

Reading

One of Muckraker’s hobbies is reading Neil DeGrasse Tyson, one of the foremost experts on astrophysics and all things scientific. Half the time, it is hard to understand what is being said.

But what is intriguing is hearing an expert talking with such authority about a field in which they are the leading expert.

Which is why we cannot argue with Zanu PF when they talk about thugs and thuggish behaviour. They are the experts in that field.

Are you going to argue with Albert Einstein about physics? No. Are you going to argue with Sachin Tendulkar about Test cricket? Of course not!

So, when Chinamasa says Zanu PF will unleash its thugs on protesters, best believe they will do just that. It is one area in which the party keeps its promises. When it comes to violence, the party is unmatched in efficiency and competence.

If violence was useful in growing an economy, Zimbabwe would be as prosperous as the United Arab Emirates today. Unfortunately, economies only grow using brains. Regrettably, those are not allowed at Zanu PF HQ.

Entertaining

It has been entertaining watching how the country’s liberators and their lapdogs have responded to all the revelations of corruption in the government.

Nobody is saying “no, we never stole any money”. The defence is now “but you did it too”. This is why patriots at the Herald have been working themselves into a sea of sweat trying to convince the world that the MDC is just as corrupt as their masters.

“Land scam opens can of worms,” screamed a headline in the country’s favourite national newspaper. The arrest of some officials at the City of Harare, it was reported, “could just be a tip of the iceberg of the rot in MDC Alliance-run councils countrywide that have been invaded by the party heavyweights to finance their fancy lives, sponsor subversion as well as set a war chest for the 2023 elections”.

At that point, it became clear that it was the story itself that was a can of crawling bugs. If the Herald wanted its story to be taken seriously, they should have stuck to facts. But one only sticks to facts if they actually have them.

In this case, someone was just sent, unarmed, to convince the world that Zanu PF is not the only corrupt party. But we all know that our rulers have little competition in that area.

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